Faith Reflections – Notes on the cyclical pattern of my Spirituality
My Faith over a period of time when drawn on a piece of graph will have an uncanny resemblance to the sinusoidal curve – the smooth mathematical function depicted by a continuous waveform.
Throughout my life, I have constantly struggled with Faith fluctuations.
Sometimes it is blissfully high, touching all the right chords of spirituality.
However, at other times, it plummets to the deep, dark dungeons of indifference.
A cursory observation of this fluctuation reveals a pattern.
Moving along the x-axis timestamps, the Faith gradually rises to a point where my heart’s content and my spirituality is at the peak.
But then, for some unknown, unfathomable, inconceivable reason(s), it starts to come down gradually until it reaches a low point where my heart is now restless and anxious.
Guilt begins to accumulate until it piles up to the high end of consciousness and my heart cannot take it anymore.
It gives in, leading to the outburst of emotions and the blissful uptick of spirituality emerges… until it plateaus once again before plunging.
And on and on, the cycle continues.
But the mystery remains.
What causes the Faith to oscillate? I don’t know.
What is that trigger point at which the Faith starts deteriorating?
I wish I knew that so I can avoid it in the future.
Peeping into history, this phenomenon of cyclical pattern is not unheard of.
Many in the past including the companions have experienced these faith fluctuations and even the Prophet SAW acknowledged it.
When researching themes for my Poetry collection which I am Trying To Publish, I came across this poem by Edward Taylor called Ebb and Flow which talks about similar issues.
Although the poem is a bit hard to read due to it being written in archaic English, it’s easy to relate to. The poet describes how his heart was like a tinderbox in the beginning, ready to ignite faith, but with time, the fire cooled down.
Edward and I may not share the same Faith, but we share the same sentiment and go through the same struggle.
The poem does end on a positive note that though the doubts have put out the fire, there is still some spark left which has the potential to glow. There is still some hope..
This concept of hope in times of despair, is also alluded to in the beautiful parable of Light in Surah Nur – Chapter 24, Ayah 40 of the Quran
Or like shadows in a deep sea covered by wave upon wave, with clouds above- layer upon layer of darkness- if he holds out his hand, he is scarcely able to see it. The one to whom God gives no light has no light at all.
Abdul Haleem Translation
Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan in his beautiful series – A Thematic Overview on Bayyinah TV reports that the last part of the Ayah is often poorly translated.
Saying ‘Whomsoever Allah does not give light, he has no light’ means Allah has purposefully given light to some and not to others.
As per Arabic grammar rules, a better translation is ‘Whoever Allah wouldn’t give / might not have given light, then he wouldn’t have any light’.
This means that Allah has given light to everyone.
Even someone who is within the depths and layers of darknesses – so much so that he can’t even see his own hands (deeds) – even he can find light within himself and find his way back.
The Doors of forgiveness are always open.
All we gotta do, is show up!
Ibn Taimiyah also reports that there is nothing more variable in the heart of a man than faith.
This makes sense from the literary standpoint as well.
The Arabic word for heart is Qalb which literally means to turn about.
The physical (and spiritual) state of the heart is constantly changing which is quite evident from the heartbeat pattern as depicted on the ECG graph.
How then, can we maintain spirituality?
Is there no recourse?
Do we just accept this as is and move on?
Speaking from personal experience, if this condition of extreme fluctuation is left unchecked for far too long, the heart starts becoming used to these ups and downs.
There was a point where I even started justifying the low points in the dungeon because the return was very strong from these.
I thought these are needed to be able to worship God the way HE deserves to be worshipped – with a heart full of love and eyes full of tears.
This, of course, is one of the tricks of Shaytan to deceive and prevent you from staying consistent which goes against the saying of Prophet SAW
“Take on only as much as you can do of good deeds, for the best of deeds is that which is done consistently, even if it is little.”
Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol. 5, Book 37, Hadith 4240
Islam is a religion of moderation and equilibrium.
Like everything else in Islam, a healthy balance (of fluctuation) is needed.
The key here is for the heart to not deviate/turn away too much to the extreme that it becomes difficult for it to return.
This is also supported by research on the physical heart.
A Study reveals that a sinusoidal heart rate pattern (SHR) with extreme oscillations is abnormal and implies severe fetal jeopardy and impending fetal death.
What’s needed is to move from sinusoidal rhythm to a normal sinus rhythm.
Cut the extremes. Remove the oidal
This way, when you are on the low point – at least the basic obligations are being met and with dua and time, you enjoy the sprinkles of peak Imaan.
How can this be achieved?
Habits help.
Months like Ramadan help in discipling yourself.
But what I have found to be most helpful is the remorse.
The Guilt, even though a painful and uncomfortable experience, is what gets you back on track.
It’s what helps you pull through.
Heart, by nature, is gravitated towards Deen.
When you are away from it, it longs for it.
There is a beautiful quote that I often tend to go back to when I ask myself whether I should do something.
Unfortunately, I have not been able to find out who said it.
Anything with which the heart is uncomfortable with, is a sin.
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So long as the heart feels the guilt, it’s a healthy sign.
No matter how deep in the trenches you are, you can always find light and come back.
The Doors of forgiveness are always open.
All we gotta do is show up!
I realize I began the post just describing what I experienced, which was my intention throughout, but somewhere towards the end, I became self-indulgent, and it became more of a preachy session, which is the last thing I wanted to do.
I want these faith reflections to not just be therapeutic, but something of benefit.
I hope this serves as a reminder for you and me both.
Acknowledging that these fluctuations are a normal part of life does certainly help.
The historical accounts, poetry readings, literary analysis – these all help in reassuring that you are not alone in the struggle.
But what sealed the deal for me was a dua which Prophet SAW often used to make
Yā Muqallibal-qulūb, thabbit qalbī `alā dīnik
‘O Changer of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.
According to a narration, this is the most repeated dua of Prophet SAW.
Now, that’s something, isn’t it?
If the most perfect human being, the one whose heart was cleansed and purified by angel Gabriel, the one whose Shaytan had become Muslim – if he himself (SAW) is asking for his heart to remain firm on Faith…
Then Who Are You?